I hate to realise that you're not mine,

I couldn't understand why what I interpret as being committed to me

is not, in reality.

As a result of this,

insecurity arises,

having to measure out and evaluate every move I get from you.

I actually lost a whole night's worth of sleep to thinking about you,

how crazy is that?

I wish I had a built-in compass,

because I'm feeling lost, once again.

B.

lovesick.

"The nightingale tells his fairytale,

Of Paradise where roses grew.

Though I dream in vain,

in my heart you will remain.

My stardust melody,

The memory of loves refrain."

--

I wonder what'll manage to sprout out from this,

what we have.

Or, the question should be: what do we have?

I can't see clearly, I'm boggled and blinded by my feelings towards you.

I need you to be able to recieve these signals I'm sending you,

if you'd even understand them.

What's stopping us from being us?

B.

Hi, I think I'm going crazy thinking about you.

I won't lie,

I felt on top of the world with you just now.

Don't know how long this feeling's going to last,

but I feel like we have a bond.

Though, were you trying to let me know that you don't do long distance?

Or am I thinking all too much again?

I would've said something,

about us I mean,

maybe next time.

If it's a No,

at least I'd give up now right?

B.

"Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine,

I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine.

A million tomorrows shall all pass away,

'Ere I forget all the joy that is mine,

Today."

Perhaps this is really the insecurity (of having seperated parents at a young age) inflicting on me and making an impact on the way I see life,

but I feel that by being more sensitive to the idea of being cared / to love someone,

it is advantageous in that I'll cherish these moments more than others,

and hence my efforts at making others feel the same,

to feel loved.

Despite having experienced the most extremes of weathering conditions in one day,

the heart now is not set to blame,

but still, to embrace what's been on offer to me in the past few days.

With much thanks to everyone who's been part of it.

B.

Why?

I thought I was the manipulative one,

but no, there's always this initial stage where I get driven around, all boy crazy and shit.

I hate this.

You bring me on the craziest rides, an emotional rollercoaster with so fluctuative a path that it's inhuman. What is wrong with you men?

And all this ofcourse means that I'm just too sensitive to everything you do,

gotta learn to stop because it's getting creepy.

Am I turning into someone people would classify as a stalker?

=\

B.

Random ranting/thoughts.

Things that are currently killing me:

#1. My Ankles

I didn't have proper black shoes that aren't heels, and I almost never wear heels, so the day I wore black tie, I wore those horrid, torturous shoes and my ankles are still suffering due to all the blisters that have been popped.

#2. Missing you

Haven't been round for a month, and we haven't really had the chance to talk (which I suspect that you've made an effort to eliminate the chances of that happening, parts of the time) so not only do I miss you, but you've left me hanging on the cliff as to trying to figure whether we're both opting for the same thing.

#3. Brass strings on the guitar

Just begun my lessons, and I chose to have a brass stringed guitar because it's timbre was more appauling to my ear. Unfortunately, my fingers apparently, disagree and disapprove of them. So strongly that I think I've bruised the fingertips of my fretting hand, from practicing.

#4. The thought of my dad

As always.

#5. Situational Dillemma

I want to leave this place asap, yet there are so many things I know I should fix up before I depart. Yet I don't want to face up with some of these problems. Yet I should. Yet. Yet..yet.

#6. My inability to manage my own finances

Self-explanatory.

However,

I know that in the recent past, fate has put me in a position in which I was able to see the world from the perspectives of those (much) less fortunate, and that I'm in absolutely no reason to complain. Trust me, I'm actually thankful for what I have with me today.

Sure, I may be insecure on certain things, but at least I get the help I need so I would eventually get through and get by in a relatively well-off situation.

So thank you, whoever's up there and rolling the dice for me and my life.

I know luck doesn't last forever, and I will work hard to repay those I owe.

B.

There must be more to this in life.