Don't take happiness for granted, Mama said.

The times have changed.

Things are different to how they used to be, you know?
How complicated could a 16 year old's life get? Is it so that teens nowadays have to be able to handle both academic subjects and emotional needs in the most well rounded way? What are we, super-teens?

On the other hand, I'm thanking god that the latter parts of life are falling into track. I hope I don't make a fool out of myself during the trip to Spain, not as much as I've done in past overseas trips. I guess I have an issue with going abroad - I'm just never emotionally satisfied. There are bound to be things that ruin the trip for me, not because I'm not happy with the less facilitated or anything.

All I can say I'm wishing for the best when I'm...at the bottom of a dark pit, emotionally speaking.

may everyone on the world be happy for a day :]

- <3 Bee

These are the IB days...

The IB system is challenging, this we've been told since day one.

but only upon receiving my grades for my math round-up test did I know that I'm about to get a grade 2 for the subject. Its actually possible to fail a subject so badly.
'Drop to studies', people say and many have done, so why am I still holding onto the edge of something that is clearly too challenging for me? I think its an attempt to be able to lease myself to a better British university upon graduation, since almost all decent universities require Math Standard + so studies is not an option.

Now that I've got all the other subjects under control, math breaks out on me. Maybe I should really go for tuition classes or really just put in a bit more of time and effort into the subject. I know, I've not even tried and it is unfair how I'm willing to put in much more for the others than this. The weakest would only become weaker if not cured.

Its been a rather stressy day for me, having finished off my econ essay at 3 in the morning last night, slept for a mere 2 hours before facing a full scheduled school day. I was not in a good mood =\
I could feel myself breathing fire on people throughout the day, ugly ugly tempers, and then I received the letter when I reached home...

Life could be a bitch sometimes.

- <3 Bee

faded colours

Is it fading away already, this crazy crush of mine?
I could still feel my cheeks flush when I talk to you,
but its that somewhere deep down, something is stopping me from fantasizing any further.
Maybe its the effect given off when dreams are thrashed and trashed in your presence.
I have to say, you still do give off this yummy charismatic charm.
I hope this affection would last, I could really feel it assisting me through my academic fields of interest, as well as self development. With you, I'm more aware of my situation in terms of strengths and weaknesses.

Perhaps I'm just too desperate.
I know nothing would start under this situation, but yet I really couldn't help but be the way I am.

---------------------------------------
Dinner was wonderful, dining al fresco, watching the sun set with a bunch of my closest's :]
Thank you all.

PS- the university counseling session was rather discouraging.

- <3 Bee

Back to Monday

As of yesterday afternoon, I've done something rather irresponsible that's left me in guilt,
On a Thursday too, some weeks ago.

Is this the sign of me proceeding into my teen years? Are we supposed to have conflicts with elders because we could never seem to have the stuff to agree with each other? A common explaination would, of course, be hormones. So what if the body is altering a bit with things on the inside, it shouldn't drastically change who I am and worsen my tempers.
I haven't been in touch for my dad for three weeks now, gg.
Looks like I've inherited the genes for being stubborn!

I've wasted my day into producing not much, my parents are right, I do have to move myself back onto the right sleeping schedule. Its getting retarded, I slept at 4 o'clock in the morning, waking up at 12:45 this afternoon. What a life.
Well then, if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have been cooking myself pasta for the first time. Not bad, I have to say, thanks to the pre-made pesto sauce in the fridge.

Hmm various birthdays are coming up and its time, again, to think of what to give. I've thought of baking my gran a nice cake, how bout Nicole + Janice? (dears, I'm awfully excited for your cocktail dress party!).

Boy I wish this weekend was longer, it feels like I've a lot to do this upcoming week and I'm not prepared for school to resume yet.

=\

- <3 Bee

Erasing Memories.

Just recently, I've defined my Saturdays as the most enjoyable day of the week,
I'm able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without too much constraints.
Time doesn't fly especially fast, not even if the moments are relatively enjoyable...

So then, I was looking back at the old text conversations on my phone
and eventually scrolled up to those with my ex.
'Ah, the past' I thought,
Bittersweet was the word that's popped up in my head.
The view I have on my old records so far?
Blind but beautiful I guess.
As they always say, 'never try, never know', so I guess I've taken my turn.
Though I think its fair to say not everything was pretty and happy,
these memories were still the past, and they keep coming up to me.
I guess, some of these things I shouldn't dwell onto so much
so I took the first step out today and did something heartless,
like deleting them.
Its the first step to prepping myself up to look upon a new page in life,
easing myself away from the past may be hard,
but it'll be harder if I didn't take these small procedures.
And, no matter what,
I feel that what has to be remembered would always remain in the heart and mind.

-----------------------------------------------------

I think I've been moving out a little too far from my normal social circle,
somehow I don't seem to be as tight with my friends and family as I did.
Do I blame my destiny, for not giving me opportunities to draw my close to them?
What could it be, this change in me?

Perhaps I'm just trying too hard to impress sometimes.

- <3 Bee

Don't have to be the best

Just got back our test scores.
Yeah, the round-up math test,
I failed badly, having received a 29%...
but am I depressed because of that?
NO.
I think I dealt with it pretty well, though its not to say that I wasn't even a bit unhappy,
'course I was, no one would be happy to watch themselves screw up, right?

Hmm...but something else has definitely been bothering me -
I think its the fact that I've completely lost contact with my dad ever since CNY.
I've already told myself that there was no way I'm going to give in and start finding him.

Problem number 2 was ofcourse, the discovery. I saw them together again! I'm starting to doubt myself even more now =\

oh well, here comes the weekends. I should take this opportunity to loosen up a bit. I needdd thissss.

- <3 Bee

Being overly confident.

It always occur to me that things that I thought were sure to occur,
don't.

I know I'm not a clairvoyant, but that doesn't mean that the confidence you got upon completing a test won't give you a decent mark in the end, something that was almost destined for your possession...just has somehow brushed past you.

fate could get ugly at times, no?

I hate it when I'm sure about something, but that 1% of doubt in me would get me to yearn for the truth to be unveiled to me asap, for I would become totally irritated by the fact that I do not know about the truth.

So here I'm wondering, mostly confident about the answer, are you indeed with the person people are telling me about?
Pleasepleasepleaseplease let me find out that its a no.
If not, I'd rather not know of the truth for as long as possible.

But somehow, this whole questioning of whether you're taken or not, the possibility of you being taken, has caused the obsession to die down a bit =\
is that a good thing or not?

from me and my troubled heart,

- <3 Bee

Some truths are better kept unknown.

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind

- Bizarre Love Triangle, by New Order


It's painful to learn that the one you admire has been taken, especially when it's taken by someone you'd find not a candidate as suitable for him than yourself. In that case, every thing's just pure jealousy.

Since this morning, I've been going through a trance, thinking about whether I've been told of the truth or an uncertainty, unable to proceed the lessons with my full concentration. I could feel my heart gather up and shrink almost, and your name keeps echoing in my head.
Yes, that's what you've done to me.

The word's been spread around my closest friends that I'm starting to like you, but the more its been talked about, the more discouragements I get. I understand that it belongs under the category of 'forbidden love', but yet, should they understand that this is but another one of those crazy crushes that won't hurt anyone until its been unleashed. "It's impossible", "it'll never come true", "find someone else" they say, but this is hard, especially while the crush is at its initial stages. Each of these obsessions of mine usually lasts up to 2 years.

- <3 Bee

You make the songs listenable again :)

I still remember the long period of time I used up to regain myself after I ended my first relationship. Although I suggested the breakup, it still took me several months to heal, to get over the fact that
1) I no longer had him
2) Should no longer expect him to feel the same for me
3) Therefore had no one to love me back
4) Am no longer in a privileged position - being in a relationship
5) And am not able to enjoy life as one who's in a relationship is able to.

The feeling of being alone, lonesome, was painful, and there were a lot of times that I'd just spontaneously cry or have my emotions fluctuated wildly, no longer the calm and patient person I used to be. I mistreated and required help from a lot of people around me and here I wish to once again express my thanks for those whose helped me through the hard times.
And I'll have to thank you too, for giving me this valuable lesson in life.

Now I've found my way out. Very recently I've gotten myself hurled up in another one of these crazy crushes, as those who've read my previous few posts may have seen...
I hope this one's actually going to get somewhere, and not like those many others where I've exposed my position as an admirer much too often. I'll remain silent for these two years, until the last day of year 13.

It's amazing how happy you could get me to be - I know I'm hyper-sensitive, and you might not even mean to give me the feelings I get, but its around you when my cheeks flush apple-red, am especially conscious of my appearance, trying to not make a fool out of myself (only to become more of one), and stutter when I get looked into the eye by you for more than a minute.

The songs that I've deleted from my phone because I decided that they were too painful to listen to, I would now reload them back onto my playlist. Watching couples stroll by, I no longer long for the old days, instead, I hope for the near future, a future where you and I would be there for others to stand in my current position and envy :]

----------------------

In other words, other than having failed my math test, you've managed to brighten up my day without too much of an effort. Just like that, at the top of the morning, working your magic like you always do.

- <3 Bee

Hello earthlings,

my poor soul shall depart from my flesh during periods four and five (11:00am - 12:30pm) on Monday the 18th of February, 2008
Yes, while I'm taking my math test.
I'm confident this one is going to be so hard it'll blow me away.
If in the case that does happen, this very post shall be my last one.
I have lived my life and I have no regrets.

Goddammit all I want is some luck so I could pass the test, that's all I want, really - x -"
since judging from my progress with trying to study, I'm more likely to fail than ever.

Math, especially "completing the frickin' square", is an ass.

)(*&^%$#@!#$%^%&^%@

- <3 Bee

Though we're more likely to be impossible than anything else,
I want you to know that...

I'm thinking of you :]

You're also the reason why my mind is currently stiff, also why I really can't concentrate on prepping up for my huge math test on Monday, the reason why I'm bout to spend $300 to watch your show, interested in your classes, and also, magically, I was able to play the piano again having put it aside for quite some time now.

you're very very special.
I feel like a little girl all over again...

- <3 Bee

the inside world of a teenage girl

Every time I look at you,
I cannot help but notice your pretty eyes
as well as the other features, each seemingly placed on the perfect spot, at the perfect size.
I'm brought out of this world whenever our eyes meet,
yet I'm enjoying the statical teases it causes in my brain and heart.

Lately as I've started to see more of you, I noticed that even the smallest things you do seem adorable, each revealing to me a little bit more about you and your character, I'm learning you.
Whenever we're in the same room, I can't help but track you down with the corner of my eye,
to keep record of who you're talking to, who you're noticing,
asking myself what was the chance that you'd secretly feel the same for me as I do for you.

Shallow it is, but I'm highly attracted,
I really don't know how long this crush is going to last and where it will bring me.
Lately it seems as if it's brought me to try and catch your attention from standing out during class times, paying extra effort in attempt to advance myself ahead of my classmates, try to reach for opportunities in which I'm able to see you, speak to you, or even just say 'hi'.
All for the sake of making a deeper impression,
which would hopefully, one day subject me to being under consideration.
Just that would be good enough, because the rest is really up to me.

Is it true that one feels nicer (but would also become emotionally less stable) when they're in love?
I'm making my way back into the battlefield, doing what I can.

Oh why oh why are we so distant in terms of relations? Perhaps I do like challenges afterall, but not so challenging that it's actually unattainable. I've started to develop a longing for your presence and immediately long to see you when you leave.

Its forbidden love.

now that's just cruel...

- <3 Bee

Have fun spending Valentine's day single!

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February, won't you be my valentine?

-John Mayer, St.Patrick's Day



Valentine's Day came in, dropped by to say hello and bid a quick farewell. I've consecutively spent 16 Valentine's single, but I'm not ranting, because I'm just ever looking forward to spending one with the right person at the right time. However, its not to say that today's been especially smooth for me - it felt like something was missing, either the lack of a valentine, the urge for a valentine or the lack of friendships even, something amongst the three was making me feel lonely. Ah and there's one definite reason too - I've only but came across him once today, destiny itself is being a biatch at me on v-day. The thing is - it only lasted for a few mere seconds: I caught sight of him as I was heading off to class, swearing my head off while while trotting 'cause I was running late. *sob*

I've been sent a rose from a close girl friend (thanks Snow Cat, I love you :) but then somehow by the time I've returned to where I've left it in the common room, which was supposed to be amongst my pile of junk on the couches, it seems as if someone's stole it =[ I was planning to try and keep it on my desktop for a week.

Oh and, this week's sleeping schedule's been more distorted than ever, I was actually working in my art book 'till 2:45am last night, thinking it was going to be due in. But still, thank god for the extension, and anyway, I've made some rather nice drawings.

Hmm...now I'm fussing 'bout what I should write my extended essay on, will it be Econ, English or Art? =\ I'm interested in working on either one of the three, though in the consideration for the grades I would get for writing on these topics, I'm better off writing it on Econ or English.

Helpp*

oh and

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone <3

- <3 Bee

I strongly believe that the education systems we are brought under today are giving the students a totally different experience to those who were still undergoing basic education (especially the secondary school system) 20 years or so ago. The academic pressure we're facing is almost unbearable - the thought of failing high school, not able to go into a decent university (like the top 20s in a particular SOMEWHERE)...its crazy. I know I might not be the most hardworking person on earth, (which I truly admit, btw) and I also know that I have time management problems, a bad habit of slipping things to the last minute...but I feel that if people from our parents generation were put up with our situation, or people from any generation actually, they would be doing the same. Everyone has a line, a limit of how many tasks one could manage and still function, and whenever the limit is exceeded, 'the law of the diminishing returns' come into use for the explaination of what happens further on.

IB...is more stressful than ever. 6 subject areas which are all very different - they require all their students, especially those who wish to do good, to be well rounded, capable in all fields. Oh, and what if I'm a loser for math and am barely capable of staying in math standard - I now have the pressure to be beaten down to either the studies course, or math tuitions outside of school. That is so much of an option when there is always so much to do, whether its giving myself free time on some days so I have the flexibility to work on assignments after school or being engaged with extra-curricular activities. I seriously don't want to waste two hours of after school time, per week, on that. Should I give myself another chance to try and study on my own?

Welcome to the land of academic-doom. Yay.

- Bee <3

Thinking too far off ...

funny how I immediately caught the flu after this meal.
I swear this sundae was shared between 12 grown ups, okey?

I'm the type of person that could get too optimistic sometimes, I'd over estimate and be super-positive about a situation when I get the smallest 'hints' (which aren't even confirmed yet btw) of something working out...only to realise at a much later stage that it was all but a dream and things aren't really going the way I've anticipated it to.

if only things would slowly turn out the way I want them to (given that I put in a lot of effort into making it work)... hmm :]

So basically what happened was that I've finally got this small encounter with him, at the most unexpected time. How, the hell, did I manage to not catch sight of him I have no frickin' idea, since normally I'd catch sight of even the colour of your shirt with the corner of my eye, and this time, you were right ahead of me - x -"

Well, at least you called out for me, otherwise it would've been so awkard, like I was ignoring you or something (which I won't, never!)...and we talked, about weather. As if we didn't have anything more to talk about.

But that lit up the rest of my day - funny isn't it, how much small things like these could have an effect on my mood even when I'm sick and tired.

Just to tell you, you're amazing. I find you...really really interesting, cute at the most random times, making the smallest gestures. And, you somehow remind me of John Mayer (not you, Charles).

laters,
(i've got a hell lot of work to catchup on).

______________edit*

So is the ex trying to tell me something? But everything's completely gone. Weird.

- <3 Bee

Holiday's Over :[

I seriously had no idea my cousin is as much of a camho as I am.

Yeah Baby, Back to School tomorrow, and I'm so excited. Like really.
*sight* the holidays have flown by in a flash, it's not long enough. But on the other hand, I should be glad school life is resuming soon - its the perfect opportunity for me to get up from my lazy ass and start doing something productive again. I could feel the pressure already, the upcoming assessments, due dates...shat.

I can't believe thiss...5th Day of CNY =\

RAWRRR...

I'm gonna use my first three frees to finish up my econ homework.

- <3 Bee

Happy Chinese New Year everyone :]

But to be honest, I'm not exactly set in the mood to update - I'm slightly depressed. I'm not getting along with Dad at all. He's completely ignored me when we saw each other, not to mention the missing lai see from him. What the hell is this, he's being a 'tard.

He's kinda ruined the day for me, despite the cold I've caught for not piling on enough clothes in the cold. And this is the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year...

Hope everyone else had a good time, more from me tomorrow (hopefully).

- Bee <3

Why are you happy?

Have you ever wondered what are the things that would make you happy?
Or do you remain in a relatively good, happy mood until something bad happens?

I personally think I'm a type #2.
But I also realise that when something gets along extremely well, it'll soon be time for the bad to come around and its when my luck is about to lose its consistency, which is logical if you think about it, because if there are no downfalls in life, it'll never rise. How about remaining at the same levels, you may ask - well, that's when life becomes boring, no?

I walked out in an outfit that is totally unprepared for me to get wet, neither did I realise it was going to be a wet day, not until I've barely missed the puddle the first step outside the apartment building. Did I turn back to grab an umbrella and get rid of my canvas tote? Nope. I walked on, praying that the weather won't worsen while I'm out, and thank god it didn't, and, scared as I was, I was very thankful for that at the same time.

Then okey, my materialistic desires took over soon as I met up with the friend for our shopping routine in Causeway. I don't know how it happens but I seem to be able to lose my deck of cash by the minute. I really think I'd have to start controlling my money flow, I don't want to keep going on like this. (I bought the Beirut CD, Bobbi Brown Eyeliner, a top from A+AB)

:P

But I'm still an easy-to-fulfill person nonetheless. I swear. I'd be happy if a day would work out fine, if i'd manage to capture nice pictures, if my sister would give me a candy, if the weather's nice...


- <3 Bee

Helloo Holidays, unfortunately, not yet a tata to work...

Havent caught a film in a long while, since August Rush was shown in Hong Kong, especially when it comes to watching a movie with dad. Originally planning to watch Norah Jones's My Blueberry Nights or Keira in Atonement, turned out both of them moved off from the screens already. Yep, they've waited for me long enough. Dangg. So I ended up watching The Kite Runner and it didn't turn out half disappointing. Its another one of those movies that remind us of how lucky we are to not have grown up within the boundaries and durations of wars as well as the loyalty in a friendship...(no worries, I'm not gonna give away anymore of the plot), the rest is left for you to find out :)

In the film, I think I've been quite attracted to the movie soundtracks. I've never been too much of a fan of Arabic music to be honest, but the instrumentation and the choices of tracks are very good. Go give it a listen on the movie's official site...

And then I had dinner with the family...

which somehow leads me to my distorted sleeping hours again...I need to get a grip back onto my sleeping schedule and start working through the holidays ><

恭喜发财， 新年快乐！

(gong hei fat choi , sun leen fai lok! )

have a happy CNY everyone :]

-<3 Bee

global warming? HA!

Brrrrrrr...

I really had no idea it's gonna be this cold, it is Hong Kong afterall, is it not?

I was walking down to HKAPA from the old Wanchai Police office, and there I was, with hair blown to the style of a mad woman, fighting the cold, the rain and the wind, trying to hold my umbrella steadily with a hand that went numb 'cause it got so cold.

I thought the globe was supposed to be warming up?

It's frickin' 9deg celcius but it does not feel half as cold as Mongolia when it was -25 deg and snowing. What the hellll :P

Hope the weather improves (sans pleut-ing) in the next few days, I want to dress up for Chinese new year without having to pile on layers that'd make me feel like a dumpling. I can't wait for the festival to hop 'round...I love all the family gatherings, the food, and 'course the money, duh!

:]

People from Hong Kong, what do you think about the photo scandal of the pop stars? Seen the actual thing yet? I have and they're beyond disgusting. They are darn to be real...I don't think they're photoshopped, I mean, look at the noise level and stuff...its a real shame that they've lost the self respect they should have for themselves.

dissapointing, eh?

- <3 Bee

Accidents Happen

Accidents happen when you least expect them.

I guess that's why they're called that...but UGH one of the most humiliating things in my life happened today and they always always happen at the worst possible moments. Just why why why me and my white pants. And why did it happen when he was walking over. Why did I think I was able to get through the day safely in white bottoms.

That's enough information given already, really.

Anyhow, on the bright side, thank god I was able to take the stain off to a stage where it was highly unnoticable unless you'd like to peer directly at my butt. And then I moved outta freaking from that and went to sing my heart out at the Karaoke, and used up my remaining energy to go arcading.

The Initial D Arcade Stage 4 is my definite new favourite and I'm desperate desperate desperate for its data storage card ><>