Help?

No references to the Beatles whatsoever,
I'm seriously in need of help.

What happened to my motivation?

Exam's in a week's time...am I prepared to be screwed over,
fail IB, fail life?
Nope.

I need my energy back...
I'm so sick and tired of cramming my head with knowledge.
How much of this crap do we even make use of when we leave school?
Quadratics? Calculus!?

Screw the school system for putting unnecessary amounts of stress on students.
Ugh!

- I'm sorry I haven't maintained my content register as I have in many of my other posts...but I'm just sososososo stressed and have no nice mental image to describe. I'm out of nice words too.

Lost on my own track

18 years in reflection, do you still remember what it was like at the start?
Did you begin happy? Did we all?
Are all babies heaven-sent?

While I know I'm as fortunate as a lot of people wish they'd be,
almost as the Cantonese saying goes, where 'a child was born with a golden key in its mouth',
I know I should be feeling somewhat fulfilled,
but in this world, there are always external factors to turn to.
My mentality is signaling some sort of emptiness generating from within,
the strain from being unoccupied from what I want to feel,
but completely consumed by worries that are generated from a variety of things.

And then I take my escape, my refuge, from drowning into a fantastical world,
books, music, fashion, occasionally sports, and even studying.
There must be more to life than relieving yourself, right?
I want to feel something real, between daddy and I,
yet the connection, what's remained of it is so vague.
I'm more tied to my step father than ever, which I treat him like my actual one anyway.
Is there something wrong with that?

I'm lost.

Forgiveness is the key

I'm sure we've all undergone circumstances when a 'close' friend has not lived up to your expectations/ let you down. Then you get hurt, at a varying degree of depth, dependent of the situation.

That's what I've gone through the previous day (which explains my previous post), and the situation has held me on to become so attached to it because my grades were concerned. I really didn't like the fact that someone I felt so close to could mistreat me by being so un-attentive to what I care about so deeply...

But then in the end the problem has been resolved, and so I look back, what is the point of holding in the anger? It was more of sadness that overcame me than aggression, a frustration that has been prolonged from being misled.

I said things are never going to be the same again if you guys won't make a change,
but by now I think the anger's passed away.

Still, there would always be this scar to remind me of how you've treated me.

Are there times when you are more focused or inclined to make an action with true awareness of its outcome? So that even when the process of obtaining the goal is rather unbearable or frustrating, one would still be opt to do it because of the repay or the belief in the existence of a form of repayment at the very end.

I guess that's what I'm going through now, with high school (the last year) and all of that, although I have to say I'm very much fortunate to be spending my years in the environment my parents have given me, which are constructed of a friendly lining of friends and teachers.
The workload and pressure is certainly dire but as they all say, in the end, high school was but a glimpse of life, there is so much more to come.

I've just received my first conditional offer today, coming from the U of Manchester, its a feeling of relief, one that I've not experienced in quite a while and eversince the beginning of the school year. I've been so unjust about where my grades fit in in accordance to my future peers and everything... but then again, I still have 4 other offers pending for a reply.
SDLIUSHF, nervous!

Sports Day tomorrow, whopeeee :]

- Bee

:(

I hate group projects;
I'm always in charge, yes, but people working under me never seem to have to work.
I understand that mostly it is myself to blame, for my disability to utilize the manpower under my grip, but so what, do these people not feel the guilt of not contributing but getting all the credits that I deserve of my hard work, solely!?

fcuk all procrastinators who don't take their own responsibility.

New Years Resolutions...

A lot of people have this idea of setting up an annual task list, the New Years' Resolution, where one should ofcourse, keep up these personal promises in the hopes of becoming a better individual by then. I personally have nothing against them, except, year after year, how many of these habit-twisting things are achieved? So eversince that time when we were told to compile one for school in year 8, I don't remember seeing myself write up anything like that anymore, especially for those who know me personally, I'm exactly the most well regulated, self disciplined person of all times...

Anyhow, it does not matter whether these are resolutions or a wishlist, but here are some definite things I wish to have attained before 2009 but flies past before us...

here goes:

#1 . Don't fail IB, get at least 36 points.
#2. Get into Bath, Manchester and Aston. AND HKUST.
#3. Learn to hold my temper back, just like when I was the pleasant child I used to be. Even when I think I should be striaghtforward with the person (i e: my dad). Just SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR A SEC, GIRL!
#4. Be nice to my parents. Be understanding, despite the high stress level I'm under...
#5. Sleep earlier, rock around my current sleeping schedule and devise a NORMAL ONE, so to become...the opposite of being Nocturnal...
#6. Be healthy.

Now you see what I mean by these lists being pointless? Are they even going to come true?

I'll work up to it...I'll try at least *-)

Happy New Year everyone!

-Bee <3