Chasing Pavements

"This ain't lust, I know this is love...

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough

'Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there...?"

That's basically my story.

Thank you Adele.

I'm chasing pavements, wound up and lost,

walking on eventhough I know it'll lead to nowhere.

What am I doing, wasting effort and time.

Yet my legs won't pause. They just won't stop.

I keep anticipating the eventual arrival/reward of...

you.

B.

"The more I see you, the more I want you

Somehow this feeling just grows and grows,

With every sigh I become more mad about you

More lost without you and so it goes..."

Being after something that you know will never be yours

yet is only just in fact, right in front of you,

is quite similar to the torture Tantalus goes through

as he positions his life around reaching above him

to the vine of grapes that has been cruelly placed just beyond his reach by the gods.

Just so what is perhaps, just a fingertip away

is still beyond reach,

and therefore,

never to be possessed.

"SOS means someone help me"

I still know it's so stupid of me

when I'm that someone who thinks the world of you

and to you, I'm just another person in the world.

What am I supposed to do,

when something you say or do,

actually everything,

seems to spark up new hopes;

when indeed

I'm really rather unimportant to you.

I'm really muddled up, tangled and wrapped in a mess that I've thrown myself into.

I wish you were more sensitive to these things sometimes.

B.

"And I think to myself,

What a wonderful world."

Today's been a rare occasion of which everyone (the four of us) was able to put down

what they were doing and get laid back for a while.

It simply consisted of four cousins strolling about Stanley's harbourside park

but perhaps with the dawn working it's magical pallette at the sky,

it appears much more atmospheric.

Though we might've not been able to chat up each other all the way through,

but the love was definitely strong and existent.

That's quality time spent together :)

I love you all,

we needa march on forward to pursue all our dreams,

and we shall hit the world with such great pact that we'll startle them all!

x

B.

"I'd like to celebrate you, dear,

All in all it's been a pretty good year,

I looked deep within myself,

I got scared by how hard I fell..."

So when and how exactly are we going to pick it up again?

Or...never?

I still want what we've had,

even if it just went on that way,

because I feel a little flight at the heart

whenever I hear from you.

Chasing after this,

I might as well be dead

because I know well enough for a fact that nothing's ever going to happen for real.

It's all just a loophole of misunderstanding.

God, and I'm deservant of this

because I remain a believer,

a dreamer,

remain someone naive and stupid?

B.

"Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words.

Killing me softly with his song,

Telling my whole life

With his words..."

We've all had those moments where a song appears to be threaded,

stitched right up against your heart,

in that it's able to describe that particular feeling so well

that it seems the frequency in which your heart beats to

have formed the song.

Killing Me Softly is as beautiful as a song could get;

it's timeless - it still makes my heart melt everytime I hear it.

More touching still, when I found out today that it was

actually written about Bob Dylan.

--

As these days of non-communication pass me by,

I turn my focus onto the wooden soundbox,

practicing,

perfecting the timbre that shakes off in response to the impacted strings.

I hope, by the time I leave home, I'll have a handful of old songs I could take with me,

to everywhere I go.

So many that I could pick up a guitar anytime and any place,

and be able to voice out what I feel using songs from the past.

B.

How about planning for an escape to a small town with a loved one,

going on cozy trips to the sea,

strolling down brick lanes with flowerpots hanging outside french windows.

I'd like that.

B

"I don't wanna go another day,

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.

Seems like everyone's breaking up,

and throwing their love away..."

I feel extremely desperate,

just to try and get things back on track.

This isn't even normal.

What the fuck happened?

--

I just want to know,

if what I thought existed between us

did exist, for awhile at least.

Why am I still waiting to hear from you

everyday?

B.

"A life goes by,

Romantic dreams must die...

So close to reaching that famous happy ending,

Almost believing this one's not pretend..."

The process of healing's like searching for a blooming blossom

under the harsh winter weather,

The only solution to which is time;

so to bring in the warm air once more,

which harvests the young and new,

so to blur and put in the distant

the less admirable momentos of the past.

The cure to heartbreaks

is time.

B.

"Pain throws your heart to the ground,

Love turns the whole thing around.

No, it won't all go away, it should,

I know the heart of life is good."

Let the world spin round again,

it's just but another day to get by.

Some might not be as well off as the others,

but it'll take me back to a highpoint again,

someday.

I'll sniff around and make more new discoveries for now,

hoping to experience that rush of euphoria once again,

maybe this time - prolonged.

B.

Blackbird

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night,

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.

All your life,

You have only been waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird fly,

Blackbird fly,

Into the light of the dark black night..."

While the song itself might be intended to bring back

the events of a civil movement back in time,

it also calls for a spark of hope,

yielding in new beginnings.

Just as the pendant you've bore to me as a gift,

That I may have headed myself to yet another dead end,

I won't give up,

not just yet.

I won't give up in the sense that

I would continue to go on my search,

Setting out on expeditions

with new rules to remember by.

With you I've learnt to be true to myself,

no regrets.

I still want it to happen though.

B.

I thought all it'd take were some tears,

so to rid of the anger towards myself

for being so naive.

It doesn't work that way,

apparently.

Feelings prevail,

and it's up to time to wash them away.

Because,

of all the things that I don't seem to recall in life,

there's one that seems to be engraved into the back of my mind;

I just can't remember to forget you.

B.

I need to write about you.

It's fading.

I could feel it all slipping out of my tightly clenched fist,

Walking beyond my reach.

Finally do I understand that it's all but a result of misinterpretation,

a blurry vision -

this is the destined life of a dreamer.

What else do I do all day long,

but wait and anticipate the day I am too, sought after

by another lonesome soul like mine?

Pathetic.

But I asked for the ride,

and I'm still up for it.

Should I get off after this single journey,

or wait until all my hopes and dreams are sent back from abroad on the return,

so they get locked back into the depths of a deteriorating cave,

my heart?

B.

"Met you by surprise,

Didn't realise

That my life would change

Forever.

Saw you standing there,

Didn't know I'd care.

I feel something special

In the air."

Dreams are my reality,

and had I not dreamt,

I have no idea how I would've sustained my life

through the past 18 years.

They keep me going because

it makes what I'm hoping to achieve

be in sight,

or at least create the illusion of so.

I often get played

by falling into traps I lay.

Now I realise that it's all okay,

for there's never pleasure if there's no pain.

B.

When doves cry.

You're the one I dreamed of having a future with;

And never before have I reached this stage.

The thought of seeing the end to this tunnel of imaginarium,

the limit to our possibilities,

pains me in the form of a wrenching heart.

In fact, my lungs, organs and soul,

gets so caught up in the act of worrying

as it gets tied up in the strands of thoughts

that are weaved by you.

Untie my misery,

if you won't take me in,

at least set me free?

B.

Slide downhill.

The fact that today's been a fine daymakes me regret it even more that I haven't taken the provision of this natural phenomenonto it's full advantage. All in all, what I'm yearning for is a day well spent with a preferable company.

Certainly, once something of a 'high' has been experienced, the waves of 'lows' would rush up immediately, each causing a greater contrasting point away from the peak,

until the buildup of another pinnacle.

I hope from today onwards, it'll all be going upwards again,

because I certainly could not stand any further disagreements and disharmony between people in the household.

If only you and I could run away

and leave behind everthing else,

just for a while.

But that is a naive thought,

especially having just read the Nightingale and the Rose.

Wilde has a point,

what is love really, another opposition to the ways of the logical world?

Ironically, it's also what's kept me going.

B.

I hate to realise that you're not mine,

I couldn't understand why what I interpret as being committed to me

is not, in reality.

As a result of this,

insecurity arises,

having to measure out and evaluate every move I get from you.

I actually lost a whole night's worth of sleep to thinking about you,

how crazy is that?

I wish I had a built-in compass,

because I'm feeling lost, once again.

B.

lovesick.

"The nightingale tells his fairytale,

Of Paradise where roses grew.

Though I dream in vain,

in my heart you will remain.

My stardust melody,

The memory of loves refrain."

--

I wonder what'll manage to sprout out from this,

what we have.

Or, the question should be: what do we have?

I can't see clearly, I'm boggled and blinded by my feelings towards you.

I need you to be able to recieve these signals I'm sending you,

if you'd even understand them.

What's stopping us from being us?

B.

Hi, I think I'm going crazy thinking about you.

I won't lie,

I felt on top of the world with you just now.

Don't know how long this feeling's going to last,

but I feel like we have a bond.

Though, were you trying to let me know that you don't do long distance?

Or am I thinking all too much again?

I would've said something,

about us I mean,

maybe next time.

If it's a No,

at least I'd give up now right?

B.

"Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine,

I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine.

A million tomorrows shall all pass away,

'Ere I forget all the joy that is mine,

Today."

Perhaps this is really the insecurity (of having seperated parents at a young age) inflicting on me and making an impact on the way I see life,

but I feel that by being more sensitive to the idea of being cared / to love someone,

it is advantageous in that I'll cherish these moments more than others,

and hence my efforts at making others feel the same,

to feel loved.

Despite having experienced the most extremes of weathering conditions in one day,

the heart now is not set to blame,

but still, to embrace what's been on offer to me in the past few days.

With much thanks to everyone who's been part of it.

B.