Materialism

Being materialistic - is it a sin?
If so, I can't help but admit that I am, and henceforth, bear such a sin.
What is wrong with it though, if I could afford to be. Don't we all have something to look upon to in life? While I classify myself as someone who has a strong sense of materialistic desire, it doesn't preoccupy the whole of me, I look forward to other things too, academic, aesthetic achievements, family and accquaintant relations...in fact materialism to me would only carry significance in terms of aesthetics, perhaps efficiency too (aka gadgets with features of convenience to me).

If I could manipulate such desires with others, because I also have with me a desire to make others happy, the desire to make the world a better place for individuals under the influence of negative causes, is it still that bad?

Materials are there for me to look forward for greater achievements in life, of which then when I have accomplished the requirements to gain the ownership of that item, I feel I would contribute part of what I have to greater causes, now isn't that all for the better?
I believe no one would take 100% of what they have to give to the wider community,
just because I take an interest in this area, its just like any other hobby.

Right?

Dad,
may I wish you a bright future with your beautiful bride.
I really hope this choice you've made, would be the right one.
I'll be on your side no matter what.

Family ties are so important,
I don't think I could've gotten through this all on my own.
As well as the immediate family,
my extended family members are always there for me.

I'm truly fortunate to have you all...



Thank you.

- Bee

Art

I hate IB Art too.
Its a bitch, to produce three pieces by Monday.
There's just too much to do, to put that much time into art.

But I have to say, I finally have something I'm proud of.

2 more pieces to go, bitch.

-B

More Lomographs.

So, I found out today that I'm born with an extremely unsteady hand...
these are some frames selected from my 2nd roll of film.

*sigh* I wish I was more talented.

Strolling at the park with my grandmama, I overlapped lilies onto her photo :P I don't know if she'll appreciate this so-called 'effect' very much though...

From loading the film to taking the pictures,
From waiting for the film to be developed to having the printouts in your hands...

the whole process is irritably exciting.
I was about to compare this process to that of an unborn child in a womb.
But if I'm even amused by this kind of wait,
I wonder what its like to physically wait 10 months to see the results to which no one could quite foresee the future of.

An insight I've gotten from this is that maybe taking photos, while at the superficial level, are great for provoking one's aesthetic senses, but could also, ultimately be a great way to train up patience.

Here are my first attempts, my first roll of film on my Diana F+, as expected, I'm not supposed to get anything good in the first roll. These are some of the 'better' ones nonetheless...
Oh well at least I had fun :P

Its great how everythings completely off focus = x ="
I haven't made much sense of how much the vision through the gaping hole differs what's been exposed to the film... smart me.

4 overlaps in this one above, I was playing with the bedside lamp I have in my room.

Lighting in the Golden Finch Restaurant, Causeway bay. Never expected it to turn out this way, it looks more like a cubist piece than a photograph...

-Bee <3

Let's Start From Here...

So the time has come,
When the rustling leaves loosen from the nurturing branches,
When the air becomes light and crisp,
When the night air is no longer hot due to the radiating heat deposited from the day...

C'est l'automne!

I've had a lot going on lately, here's some:

shittt, I really need to get this one done. I still have two more pieces to finish off before the exhibition on the 13th, and then there's the stupid extended essay, and then there's the UCAS applications.

As of now, my life is officially a living hellhole of workload.


- Bee <3

The True Value

As seen, I've just been through yet another wave of bother in life,
But I won't linger, I'll sail off now.

I'm sure everyone's heard sayings beginning with "Life's too short..." and then continuing with a bunch of extraordinary tasks that are to be carried out because life would be dull without these certain impulsive aspects. I don't think I could agree to it anymore, its no longer a motto or way of life I value; bold is no longer beautiful. I treasure the ordinary, the simple. Whether you're the visualist, audist, or literate, the aesthetic goal is achieved through the introduction of balance between forms for that is what gives us comfort while any excess or shortage would banish the path to this goal.

What I meant to say is that, a good life doesn't necessarily need to be as thrilling and full of ups and downs like a roller coaster, but the gentle dips into the flow of the ocean currents when a ship is on smooth sail resembles the pattern in the emotional journey of a good life better than any other.

Ordinary is beautiful.

Its never occurred to me that you ought to be shared.
What is this all, why now?
Although I couldn't manage to say it in your face, I'll do so now, here.

Dad, I know how long you've been looking forward to this,
the past eighteen years, each progressively just making you realise more and more how lonesome single life could be, how fruitless life could get 'without child' (since I'm with mom)...
but after all these years of seeing you with your various beaus,
It seemed perfectly natural to me that you'll have bedside company,
but taking this all in an instant is hard to digest.

Is this all in perfect timing or what,
I'm leaving for school next year,
and the newborn will be here by the time I graduate,
here, a replacement?
Its not like our relationship has remained strong,
especially in the past few years,
this is oil slick poured on a highway when I'm a car with screwed up breaks,
a catalyst for a cancer,
while in hopes that this new addition would not shred whats left of us apart,
I know this is exactly what it'll do.
Actually - never mind me.

I hope to never be dependent of you again,
and I'll try hard, starting from now,
to aim to be out standing.
You, and your 'family' shall watch me succeed,
lead a splendid life,
I will do anything to avoid pleading at your feet for help,
and I will pay you back with what you've given.
My earlier years, all that you've given me,
trust me,
they're all appreciated,
even now.

Tell you what, its just your attitude that I'm sick of,
and your lack of order in life.

Finally, good luck with whatever's ahead,
I wish you great happiness, an eternity if there is one, in your marriage.
The child, bless it, hopefully the reverse of me, abiding, obedient and intellectual.


-- as for I, I'll stay strong.

I am 17, going on 18...
innocent as a rose?

Year 2008, you're about to come to an end soon anyway, why give me this shit now, as if the year hasnt been bad enough on its own. Well, when I look back in the future, you're sure to be full of excitement.

Dad, between you and I, I think I've taken the privilege of being your other half in our family relationship for granted much too long, that I never realised the possibility of you reaching out again. Frankly, to be honest, I can't believe its happening, all in such short notice, all happening so soon. This is 'The Ballad of Jack and Rosie" in everyday life.

While I'm not skeptical of what you've planned ahead, I certainly don't like the way you've laid things out for me. "I'm sorry you're the last person to know", is that the best you could do, seriously!?

I will get through this.

Welcome home, my Edelweiss Special Edition Diana F+ Camera

:)

I daren't waste my film indoors, but I'll take it everywhere with me from now onwards, especially on bright sunny days.
Doesn't it feel great to treat yourself to something once in a while, especially having undergone something? For me, I've just passed through EE week, spending a whole week writing something that resembles research papers in university. Tough it may seem now, but I know it won't be long that I'll look back and laugh at the naivety of all this.

Something else to make a note of is my week-old eye infection: looks like it'd take a bit more time before it would die off.

Anyhow, I'm braindead from having written so much in the past few days, deeply sorry for submitting in a messy paragraph.

I can't wait to develop my first roll of film :]

- Bee

Amy Winehouse, Stand Strong!

Given that this one thing is of great value,
I tend to find it extremely heartbreaking to watch it turn bad,
even if it does not directly relate to me,
and I wouldn't get any good out of it...

Amy Winehouse,
you're one of the few artists round this time with all the talents an artist could hope for
what you put on stage are amazing,
but the scandalous life you lead offstage is not quite as impressive,
degrading too, some would call it.
While your situation may not exactly be the easiest to get through,
please live on strong and turn away from the bad asap,
we need you.

- from one of the billions of people on earth who love your music, and you.

<3

Every Little Bit Counts

Ending a relationship makes things awkward,
so eventually the two individuals no longer take interest to talk to each other,
and as time passes by, the distance in between just grows.

After 6 months straight, my ex has finally put up the courage to talk to me,
it felt like a baggage, the weight of the world, lifted off from my shoulders.
But the freedom didn't really last for long,
for awkwardness still prevails in what has now become the grey area.

Again, certain queries, are unavoidably made:
they are unintentional and came to me subconsciously,
but they inevitably are questions.

Deep down, no doubt, the first one would be:
Where did the motivation come from? What's the drive?
Secretly wondering if he likes me, still.

What's to be expected,
is waiting all I could do for the while?

Daddy you're right, no form of pure friendship could exist between men and women,
I myself have only experienced very few,
they are precious.

<3

Since the previous school year,
several social problems (with 2 people) have dragged on into the start of this school year,
both involving two very valuable friends...
I'm so relieved that they're over now,
really!

It feels like having the earth taken from your shoulders in the case that you're Atlas,
and I just found out how much of the stress I've been experiencing was caused by them.
So people are really right when they say relationships could ruin your studies,
I guess I was confident to disapprove with that point until I've experienced a relationship as it was coming to an end,
the aftermath is what's painful, penetrative, utterly distracting...

At one point, I even thought this would drag on forever.

Thanks you two,

we all shall forgive and forget,
I'm going to take us seriously from now on, cherish every bit.

-Bee*

Insecurity.

Sometimes,
even the most self-assured individuals have the right to insecurity.

The confidence you see on their outside aren't everything:
they are but a tool to conceal their weaknesses - their fear of being unconfident, of being rejected.

And when even that oomph of confidence is gone,
the world could feel like its slowly dispersing into small particles,
being whipped away like a whiff of snow in a snowstorm.

I feel bare,
I feel like an unarmed soldier on a battlefield.

I'm feeling that way.

I need someone to get my back,
it is only that way that I could conquer just 'bout anything.
For if I die, at least I'd do it full of glory.

I hate losing.

Feeling beyond blue, approaching black.

So maybe all this is telling me I'm being unreasonable.
Being right is officially wrong, and therefore, bad.
And it is not necessary to have a heart, care for others, to be successful in this world.
One could be a spoilt brat, uncooperative (not saying mentally incapable), but still lead a good life.
Or what they call a good life anyway.

Great.

Sometimes I question my existence in this world,
eversince stepping into highschool.
Not exactly a social outcast,
but its just that I have this preference of order, of all-round agreements,
of proper-ness, that other people don't really seem to care about,
except a few individuals (not the mainstream anyway).

And so whenever an opinion is expressed,
me, being a strong minded person,
its me who has to feel intimidated.

I don't know where the school spirit's gone,
everyday I step into school, I feel like I've lost yet some more faith in it.
Why do they allow this kind of atmosphere to roam through the hallways?
Its spreading like a bacteria, a virus, all around.

Consider rebuilding the mentality of the student body before yet establishing a plan for another building or facility that's worth millions,

because this is what money could never buy back
( in fact I think it's us spoiled kids in the school that are causing it)

Seriously guys,
go out and have a look at the rest of the world,
look at what's outside...

then come back and live a life.

New Found Glory

Recall the mass drumming
and the thundering thuds of the instruments themselves,
along with the special lighting tiling effect they make when seen from afar.

I don't remember feeling so proud of our country, my part taking in this great nation in a really long time.

The '08 Olympics opening ceremony marks not only the beginning of a series of international sports games, but I believe, it also marks a change in the hearts of its people and others alike. Afterall, who could've witnessed the moment the scroll was uncovered and not feel astound by the vision and togetherness of the 3000 + performers, along with the gleaming technology working behind the scenes?

With all credits of the day's impressive choreography to the great director Zhang Yimou, it is the work of an all-Chinese that brought out the authenticity of the culture with such success.

Its about time that China should not only be known for its 'chopsticks' and 'noodle in soup',
for we have one of the brightest futures ahead of us and there is no reason why we can't be compared amongst the others.

I'm waiting to see you glow, baby! XD

May we have the best of luck in the games and moreover, our future.

- Bee*

Ps: I really can't wait to see what the closing ceremony will be like.

Hustle and Bustle

Busy the streets of Hong Kong may be,
but it shouldn't be an excuse for the absence of common etiquette and undesirable social behaviour.

About a week ago while I was roaming round Time's Square, I can't believe a man, although unintendedly, just slammed the door shut at my face. The issue here is that, holding the door open when there's someone immediately behind him is not in his dictionary.
What does that tell you?

It is now that I realize the reason of the 'amusement' I catch on other people's faces when I'm bothered to hold open a door, a simple act like that - It's such a rare occasion, not even the men would do it!

Strolling down the streets, although in a hurry, I notice that very often, I find myself being offended by the lack of manlihood (not to be sexist), phrases like 'Ladies first' cease to exist in our society. I'm deeply disappointed that matters like these are no longer concerned by people living in this much developed city.

We complain about incoming 'tourists' and their undesirable social behaviours, but who are we to complain and rant about when we can't even manage to perform them well enough ourselves? If we don't start to set a good example, who would?

And guys, c'mon. Talk about impressing ladies, if you can't even practice these simple tasks on a daily basis, don't even think about making a good impression on a first date with a longed-for girl, you're bound to screw up.

All of you, please make Hong Kong a better place. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of awareness and consideration from everyone, it doesn't bite to let a lady through first!

-Bee

What is fate?

Do you realise that there are times when you know what you're about to do isn't right, but you believe it's going to happen anyway...
then turns out something helps you to turn it down without your indication of any means to decline it?

How about when you do want something bad enough to die for, but it doesn't...?

I don't know if you do believe it or not, but I feel that some things are meant to happen in one's life and some aren't,

yet we can't help but question the possibility of things that we think are about to happen, "will I really be able to make it tomorrow?", "will that really happen to me?", these questions are almost rhetorical in a way really, when our life is set ahead of us...

Is that all fate?

just a thought.

- Bee*

Summer has come,

and the 4 weeks have gone by in a mere glance. Time flies by amazingly quickly when the seas are calm, but at this rate of productivity, I cease to see what is happening ahead of time.
I don't like how the school pressure manages to creep up on us like this, while we're on our break, but yet I really couldn't get myself to face up with the work, its just too much, I need fresh air, fun, and a bit of freedom.

Why don't the goldfishes stop eating when they're full,
don't they know they'll soon die of indigestion?

Why doesn't the school stop packing us with pressure,
don't they know its unhealthy?

All I want is but several weeks of holiday where 'work' is a word crossed out of my dictionary.

photo credits to my dear friend, Cynthia
taken on a fine day on the roof garden of ifc :]

everyone else out there, please enjoy this release of freedom!

-Bee

Phee-wew!

The summer break sure's whipping-by fast!

Without a sound, we've already moved into the 2 out of 8 weeks of our holiday (sad, really) and I can't believe the amount of work and changes I have in front of me, which I'm bout to face very shortly. Very. So I've spent the past weekend setting up my new room, aside from just sweeping floors and wiping windows and drawing curtains, it was also about getting my hands and feet working, knocking in nails, tightening scews, putting together furniture! I'm rather proud of myself actually... :]

Okey yeah so I know my room is not exactly big but here are the pictures anyway =]
(sorry that last one there was especially bad)


so yeah.

and..
:]

have a great summer everyone,
while I move on with a million things on my itenerary.

- Bee*

time is running out...

Notice me, Want me, then Take me.

We don't have much time, you know? There are just way too many things that are all happening at once, and this all is more than I could cope with. It is because I can't manage my life well that I'd feel like I'm living on a planet that spins twice as fast as my peers.

My therapy for this is to drown myself in the world of romantic comedies, into the world of fiction, so things could be orderly and perfect for at least an hour each day.

- Bee

Black...Saturday?

Haven't had the chance to update in a long while, previously the exams, and recently, just about everything. Things don't go as well as I thought they would, definitely, in almost all aspects of my life- in fact, I think it's a chain reaction. So something bad happening in one would lead to that in the other...

My list of worries are:
1. My Grades
2. My Future
3. My current social life/ interaction with my family and friends.

All the while recieving my poorly graded examination results, on the other hand my social life's giving in. In fact, I'm in the middle of a fight with a friend at the moment. This then leads me to think about what I'll be doing with my future. With a 'fail' for math this year and a report that's gone down by 5 points, I seriously have no idea which university would like to accept me as a business student.

So much for fulfilling my dream as too becoming a marketing director in the future.

=\

-Bee

I wish I was good as math.
Just being able to cope well with the standard course would do, really.

:'[

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are Anything your heart desires will come to you If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme When you wish upon a star as dreamers do Fate is kind, she brings to those who love The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you through When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true



This song is timeless, but I really do wish that its lyrics is what happens in real life. As much as I know it isn't, I am still, somehow, able to take comfort when I listen to this song. Looking back, I think its because it used to be the song featured on my baby toy - a room illuminator/lightbox with Disney characters floating about. I miss those days so much.

I've just realised I've almost forgotten about that toy. Perhaps its the same with many of my other 'favourites' back in those days, I only have two or three pieces that would always be present in my mental list.

I wish I could be that easily fulfilled again, who needs $2000 dollar-ed handbags and signature perfumes?

I wish I didn't have to work 6-days straight a week to complete my homework, this academic stress is really getting on to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
If you ever get to see this (which I hope you don't), I know its you. I've seen it yesterday but decided to pretend I haven't because I don't want to respond to it, taking either action could signify something so I'd rather leave it behind for the while. What I truly want, is to somehow get us talking again. That's it, really.
-----------------------
I blush when I see you :)
So do a lot of girls, I believe. Are you used to getting all this attention?
I think I really should find some sort of replacement for you over the summer, so I don't end up suffering. I don't want to break down on the last week of school (why is it like this all the time?)

-Bee <3

I can't believe how much of a coward you've become,
moreover, I can't believe I still do care about how you treat me.

What the hell?

So is it true that nothing could return to the way it is when you've ended a relationship with someone? Not even friends who'd briefly talk and say hi to each other? Is it that awkward? Is it improper to expect the guy to make the first move (I've initiated too much already), and so I'll be considered sexist?

Or maybe its none of the above but really, you are ultimately just being immature about our past?

Awkwardness between two people could drive me insane, I tend to be the person who'll attempt to smoothen things out whenever I could. But looks like this time its different.

Oh now its more than apparent that my ex is really, really not my type.
I...really am a person able of communication, there are almost no occasions in which I'd prefer to hide from someone in order to escape from having to confront with a tacky situation.

you suck.

- Bee

"Missing You"
By Tyler Hilton

I feel like I'm being haunted by this song, and yet, I couldn't help it but listen to this song non-stop. I've started crying all of a sudden, started missing the old times out of the blue, and am not sure what has turned out of me.

What is this sudden load of loneliness strapped onto my back, is this for what I've done to him? Am I finally feeling sorry or something, in other words, punishment, just because I stopped loving him?
I promise, what keeps my mind hooked on now is what it feels like to be in a relationship, what it feels like to have someone connected to you, heart and soul...
the long lost feeling of being loved and loving someone, watching your heart float away.

That all happened once in a blue moon.
I'm almost unable to contain myself...

-Bee <3

I hate school.
I'm so stressed at the moment, its not even funny.
How many days are there remaining until our exams take over? I know its up in less than a month's time...

And I'm failing math ever so badly, as usual.

Oh god I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't even write properly now, because I've been doing so much shit last week, my brain's wound up in the stress from the past two weeks.

I'm going to lock myself up on all the holidays in the upcoming weeks, just to study before the exam.

I guess I would still be able to withstand the arrival of academic stress, if only other aspects of my life were better. I'm not able to manipulate between dealing with my own emotional problems with my academic ones, I'm human for god's sake! But then, I do know I'm already relatively better off compared to those who are having much more going against their way.

Good luck everyone, let's all remain strong and pass our exams with flying colours!

:]

Yes, remaining optimistic helps, even if its a forced smile, because it'll eventually become a real one if you hold it for long enough.

- Bee <3

Pressure? Bring it on!

Academic stresses are normal for all typical students I suppose,
what makes me think that I'm facing more stress than others, its not like I ever complete things on schedule, only sprinting when I reach 10 metres from the finishing line.

Watch me study again, several hours left before I get an Econ test on 4 chapters,
I'm wondering what I would be like when the exams reach over.

Moma's right, I do have issues with time management.
Why though?

But then again, I did have a damn lot to do, especially in the previous week. I admit to the slacking during the weekends, still, its pretty impossible. AND SO, I've had one week of hell, prepared to face another...hence the lack of recent updates on my blog.

1) I don't get how nerds manage to be nerds.
2) furthermore, I don't get how some people just don't care about their academics. I slack, I feel guilty, but at least I'd TAKE ACTION afterwards?

--------------------------

I can't forget the last time I heard you sing 'You'd Be So Easy to Love' on stage, I think I never will. Although this is not to say I'd have the same feelings for you unconditionally, but I can't help but feel my heart swell when I listen to Frank Sinatra's version. Let me tell you, You'd be so easy to love.

"Oh can't you see your future with me,
'Cause you'd be so easy to love..."

- <3 Bee

Stay young forever :)

Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time,

and be this young again.
These are the times when its alright to want to be wrapped within your parents wraths all the time,
protected, never exposed to the pain of having to grow,
the pain of facing pressure from the society.

I miss the first nine years of my life,
the time when it was just me and only me,
no one else would take away the attention I got.

Is it wrong to feel this way?

- <3 Bee

Live on without you

Annette and I were photobooth-ed in Palais de Tokyo, Paris.

It gets me thinking - how far could someone go when they lose a lover? How about a good friend or a family member, which loss is greater? In most cases, people are able to withstand the depart of a significant other (breaking up) but would do everything they would do maintain a good family relation/ friendship. Perhaps that's already given in the answer to such wonders?

What would I do one day, if I lose all my family and my closest of friends?
Who are my closest friends?

- <3 Bee

Sundays are nice :)

Having broken away from schoolwork quite a while now, Sundays are reverted back to its norm, and are once again, nice days to spend time with my family. I don't think I've done this in a long time, simply by sleeping in till the afternoon on the weekends, having excluding myself from a lot of family activities and ever only show up for dinners because I'm so 'exhausted' from the previous week. I think I should take this opportunity to revert back to a more 'normal' time schedule + way of life. I need to move myself back onto the right track.

This is not another one of those new year resolution kind of shit declaration. I'm serious about this, its crucial that I move back onto getting a better lifestyle.

The apartment across the street from our hotel while we stayed in Paris...

In front of the famous Gallery Lafayette, Paris.

Its probably why I felt so happy throughout the day too, waking up early I meant. I've had enough of waking up like a grumpy old nun :)

- <3 Bee

Hello, gorgeous!

'Heck yeah, I'm back to Hong Kong, babyyy,
and I'm so darn glad I am, 'cause I'm quite exhausted from the trip,
both mentally and physically.

Whitechapel Gallery, London

Brick Lane, London

Installment at the Tate Modern Museum's Turbine Hall, London

On the Millennium Bridge overlooking St.Paul's cathedral, London.

A random interconnection between two buildings, Embankment, London.

At the infamous fountain of Eros at Picadilly Circus, London

But don't take it wrong, I'm not yearning and complaining, its just that I've had enough of visiting museums day after day, studying the aesthetics of the works of the great masters...while they were visually [very] impressive, its tiring having to take in all the load of information at once, for 8 continuous days.

However, I think I've grabbed myself experiences I'll never forget; some of which are comprised of new found knowledge and some are for the sake of lifetime experiences. I'll keep them to myself i guess ;)

I know I deserve a big-yawn for this, but I have to say, I cannot appreciate Hong Kong more than ever upon my return from this 10-day trip. Its true, you never appreciate something until you lose 'em, the reason being;
I cannot stand how expensive the materials are in Europe, especially in Paris. I don't think the underground services are anywhere near being as efficient as those in Hong Kong. Houses? No thanks, I'd like to stay in a city scape area just 10 minutes away from the city's central district, not 10 hours. Staying in a suburb area could make you a targeted victim of the most gruesome crimes on the planet.

Throughout the past week...I've had the most expensive Mc Donald's meal in my lifetime (6.55 Euros for a salad meal? The current rate of Euros to HKD is 1:12 so...), seen the nicest buildings, art pieces, paintings, interiors, clothes, people ever.

That pretty much concludes my trip. Shallow I know, but I'm really not in for writing anything of a greater depth atm, not while my head's still drillo-drowsy from the plane ride >< I promise more photo updates later.

-Bee <3

Heck Harry, You're a wonder!

Harry Connick Jr. Live in Hong Kong :]

The day came when I attended Harry's show, oh I don't know if it was because I was stressed from my academic studies or was the music really that good, you kept me smiling throughout the whole show! Harry, you're a wonder :]




I tried to keep up with your fingers that crawled up and down the keyboard,
and the odd but beautiful rhythm on the drums,
then the mellow plucks on the Bass,
to the bright timbres of the Brass...
I'm sorry if there wasn't enough spirit imported into the atmosphere of the show, perhaps the arena was simply too large in size. You did awesome and I'm praying to be able to watch your other live shows in the future :]

I'll go crazy for you :D

- <3 Bee

Ooh la Vintage!

I'm officially dazzled by the aesthetic qualities of Peridots and Amethysts,
Isn't this beautiful? Its an antique ring on sale at an English antique market.
I can't wait, Harry Connick's on tomorrow night and flying on Friday :]

whopeee.

<3 Bee

Aren't they lovely :)

click to enlarge

Sorry its pixelated =P
its just of me and my sister anyway.
Taken during the weekend, at a lunch buffet. How sweet of my parents, they brought me out so I could de-stress myself for a while, breaking away from all the assignments and scraps of work.

I'm praying this week won't be such a b*tch to me :P

- <3 Bee

funny how...

Funny how...
when I see your name on my email inbox, I get a li'l tingle down my spine,
then I secretly wish it's an email just from you to me, and not for anyone else.

I don't know when that would happen, would we ever IM each other one day?
How 'bout endless hours spent chatting on the phone?
*sigh*

I want you so bad.



Just when these weekend after weekends of working on homework could get a little bit endless, it's time to realise that the London + Paris trip is but...less than 5 days away :]
Let's hope all the hard work right now is worth it, life can't be tough all throughout right?

Seeing how much the trip costs could make me understand, really, of what you mean when you tell me you're doing a lot to make me feel happy, mom&dad. Don't worry, I really do understand it, just couldn't afford to show how much I do everytime you mention it, in case I get emotional + admit it, its kinda embarrassing.

I love you all :]

- <3 Bee

Friday.

How about I post up every word you've said to me in private?

"Ruby, that's a big spelling mistake there"

Why do I always respond so coolly when on the inside I'm really so happy that my heart is about to fall out? I really can't help it, the words 'HAR HAR' slipped out of my mouth so naturally that I didn't notice they might have expressed coldness (like the many previous times) that I was not intending to give out.

I just have to always make a fool out of myself when I least want to.

You...are so cute, I think I could drown from your cuteness one day.

------------------------------------------------

" I used to carry the weight of the world
And now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly"
- Chantal Kreviazuk

This song is so beautiful

- <3 Bee

I need a haircut.

The growth of my hair reminds me of just how quick time is flying by.
The last time I've had a snip was several months ago, I can't even remember when. Last year, definitely.
Now that its at the length of my chest, it makes me realise how much I've changed over the years as well... having always had short hair as a kid (I'd have heat rashes on my neck if my hair length exceeded that), ever trying to make escapes from haircuts, till now when the amount of hair on my head would be more than enough to make 5 brooms.
So yeah, point made- time flies.

I've also found out how similar I've become to that of my father. My attitude, the whole issue of being hard on the outside and soft on the inside, although I'm still frankly, not half as stubborn as he is yet, I act hard while I'd easily break in to tears, especially when I'm left on my own.
Having written and read the parent evaluation, I have to say, I'm entirely grateful of what I have with me now, so much I don't know how to respond to some of them. What is it that's driving my parents to be such responsible people? Solely because of our minute's worth satisfaction while they work away for hours, weeks, months and years?

I love you, mom and dad (s).

I'm sorry if I feed in my attitude.

Screw the love life, I think mine is PERFECT, because MY PARENTS LOVE ME.
Who needs a boyfriend when no guy could ever love you like your parents?

Gee.

I guess I should really begin working on my Math project this weekend, or I'm dead-meat.

- <3 Bee

my louvre ticket

You do the cutest things,
things I can't do anything about but stop and admire.
I adore being around you,
I love watching your every single move and gesture,
but this so-called 'perfect-image' of you has been broken, I think.

I don't know how I'll react if I would see for myself one day, what they say about you.
I think I'll cry, because in fact, you made me think a perfect creature existed so close to where I am.
It's almost like watching your dreams as they're being crushed into little pieces.
Again, this is the reality.

But it's not like you care, I make up such a small part of your life.
A strand of hair on your head would be the equivalent of the significance of me?
Would I even be of any importance?
Which reminds me, for I should have completely no say in how you wish to lead your life.

You're an art piece in the Louvre,
I'm just but one out of the I-dont-know-how-many-visitors they get per year.
I pass by, and get caught up by the aesthetically beautiful features, again, one out of the billion who's done the same in the past.
I'm not particularly rich, and have no plans in bidding you off from the exhibits, I could only keep staring, so long as my ticket is still valid.
='[
The validity period slips by each day...
I do know you're leaving the end of this year.
And we'll only ever remain in this relation, forever.
*sigh*

- <3 Bee

target of humiliation

I'm not used to losing.
In fact, I hate the idea of losing.

I'm being pin-pointed at, targeted for humiliation in a group,
and I know that,
the hinting, in combination with self realisation, makes everything pretty frickin' obvious.
Should I take it a step further and quit, just to put a stop to this, since I don't really belong there anyway.
Would anyone appreciate my involvement anyway?
"Our abilities are sloping, the standards of _ are descending"
Yes I know you're talking about me.

*sigh*

=[

- <3 Bee

Me, as of now.

Recently, I've started to have doubts about my positioning amongst my friends, my social group. I feel as if its been shifting, jerked aside even. A part of me has done something which I'm not sure about, but it's certainly let me down. Nothing feels worse than slipping down from the very top, I'd rather spend my whole life climbing non-stop.

And then its my love life - which I have an involvement of 1%?
I don't like the rumours given off from him, but not like this whole crush was appropriate to start with, so I might as well just die off. Its hard though =[
I'm waiting for my days to come around again...

BUT, life isn't as dark as it seems, I'm really quite happy otherwise. The art trip is coming up, as well as the Harry Connick Jr. Hong Kong tour :] I can't wait!

And at least I know I have people caring for me. I'm very very fortunate.

thank you to everyone who's out there to make my days brighter than they otherwise would be!

- <3 Bee

How about feeling relieved?

Satisfaction comes to me in all forms,

but most of the times, its really about when I'm feeling the most comfortable being in my own shoes. This, I've felt today, and is not something I've felt in quite a while, and which was quite unexpected, considering that I was still mumbling and quivering about how much of a disaster the day is turning out.

Well, turns out I'm wrong, but I'm happy to be wrong in this case.

I won't exactly call this a reconcilation, but I've definitely started mixing cement to fill an old crack on a pavement, or cutting down a tree to try and fix a plank in a house...

I've had interactions with my dad.

Truly amazing.

Despite my many aunts and cousin's unsucessful attempts throughout the day of trying to reconcile my dad and I, I have a personal feeling that it was the power of grandma, who lies beneath the earth of the little hill on the remote island. I think she did it, knowing her abilities in keeping us all together.

Hmm...

then it was also being present at a party, a good dinner with ma famille...

so thank you, whoever out there who's taken part in making my day a good one

- <3bee

Leaving so soon?

Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh

Nothing is guaranteed,
there are always other possibilities because people are all different.
Looks like you've made a choice that you have to move on with your life and I guess that's good?
I've not been after the wrong guy, I've always liked men with an objective, a vision the their life.

You were amazing on stage today, really, I could not be happier to see you perform so well :]

God, its just that the news came in so suddenly, I thought I was about to lose it when. I think this is another one of those signs, telling me the jumble-jitters I currently have in my mind would only remain that way, and be able to go no further.

Hmm, wrecked plans for tomorrow. My dad finally called to drag me out of the house tomorrow, when I've already got an event scheduled for Sunday. Great job there, dad, you might as well tell me tomorrow morning. It took you 4 weeks or more for you to get over that dumb email I've sent you. GG.

Sometimes I feel tired with the many twists and turns in life, but then I realise, what fun would it be to lead a life that's but a straight drive on the highway?

"...as they always say, 'the room's always darkest before you turn on the lights'..."
I'll always remember this line.

- <3 Bee

Homework uptight!

I haven't written in a while, I know.
Here's my reason: this past school week's been hectic and it's been hell for me, having a large assignment due in every school night. I've not slept earlier than 3am, and we all know that its not exactly the most perfect sleep time...

But then today's Friday and I finally have a weekend for myself :]
I really need a de-stressing period, such as the upcoming art trip. Boy I'm really really looking forward to this!

The sleep deprivation is haunting me with its bad tempers and constant mind-blocks...I've not exactly been a very patient person, often resulting in emotional breakouts or arguments.

This is annoying me, I really don't have someone realistic I could look forward to, all I could think of is him and I'm more than old enough to understand that its not quite realistic. This is so selfish of me - my mind is telling me that I need someone to be with so that I have a vision in life, so that the 'rights' and enthusiasm could be once again injected into my veins.
=\

Laters.

Ooh i'm excited for tomorrow, "Anything Goes". G'luck, Mr.Frost!

-<3 Bee

All for nothing.

For a person with optimism, its extremely hard to lose faith in the idea that dreams do come true,
and therefore not stop hoping.
I'm in that exact position now, having dreams come true most of the times in the past, I'm finally getting a taste of what it means to live in the real world. I've learned that, in the real world, we're not supposed to expect that the events that we feel are 'supposed' to happen would happen. You don't always get it your way because there are so many people to satisfy at once. A bit late, I know, but life lesson learned nonetheless.

I've worked my butt off on a math project that I thought I'd score well on, so as to give myself a chance to score well on one math assessment for the first time...turns out this 'demo' was not even taken in, it was but a peer assessment where no marks have been recorded. What's better is that I've just received yet another math assignment, this time the formal portfolio task.

Then, for the EE session, I didn't really get the supervisor I wanted =\
Not to say that what I have now is bad, but I'd certainly be happier if I have got my own teacher.

Gosh I can't wait till Harry Connick Jr. comes, and the art trip!
Oh right, I'm not supposed to hope for too much, right?

Gee, what is it with being realistic?

- <3 Bee

Don't take happiness for granted, Mama said.

The times have changed.

Things are different to how they used to be, you know?
How complicated could a 16 year old's life get? Is it so that teens nowadays have to be able to handle both academic subjects and emotional needs in the most well rounded way? What are we, super-teens?

On the other hand, I'm thanking god that the latter parts of life are falling into track. I hope I don't make a fool out of myself during the trip to Spain, not as much as I've done in past overseas trips. I guess I have an issue with going abroad - I'm just never emotionally satisfied. There are bound to be things that ruin the trip for me, not because I'm not happy with the less facilitated or anything.

All I can say I'm wishing for the best when I'm...at the bottom of a dark pit, emotionally speaking.

may everyone on the world be happy for a day :]

- <3 Bee

These are the IB days...

The IB system is challenging, this we've been told since day one.

but only upon receiving my grades for my math round-up test did I know that I'm about to get a grade 2 for the subject. Its actually possible to fail a subject so badly.
'Drop to studies', people say and many have done, so why am I still holding onto the edge of something that is clearly too challenging for me? I think its an attempt to be able to lease myself to a better British university upon graduation, since almost all decent universities require Math Standard + so studies is not an option.

Now that I've got all the other subjects under control, math breaks out on me. Maybe I should really go for tuition classes or really just put in a bit more of time and effort into the subject. I know, I've not even tried and it is unfair how I'm willing to put in much more for the others than this. The weakest would only become weaker if not cured.

Its been a rather stressy day for me, having finished off my econ essay at 3 in the morning last night, slept for a mere 2 hours before facing a full scheduled school day. I was not in a good mood =\
I could feel myself breathing fire on people throughout the day, ugly ugly tempers, and then I received the letter when I reached home...

Life could be a bitch sometimes.

- <3 Bee

faded colours

Is it fading away already, this crazy crush of mine?
I could still feel my cheeks flush when I talk to you,
but its that somewhere deep down, something is stopping me from fantasizing any further.
Maybe its the effect given off when dreams are thrashed and trashed in your presence.
I have to say, you still do give off this yummy charismatic charm.
I hope this affection would last, I could really feel it assisting me through my academic fields of interest, as well as self development. With you, I'm more aware of my situation in terms of strengths and weaknesses.

Perhaps I'm just too desperate.
I know nothing would start under this situation, but yet I really couldn't help but be the way I am.

---------------------------------------
Dinner was wonderful, dining al fresco, watching the sun set with a bunch of my closest's :]
Thank you all.

PS- the university counseling session was rather discouraging.

- <3 Bee