In a conversation with a guy friend on the topic of a girl he didn't manage to get,

I said:

"i think it's only like a ...psychological reaction

*the more yo uthink about it > the more you like her sort of thing...

when in fact her actual presence

doesn't inspire that much thought."

I rethink it now, realising that's actually happened on me a whole lot of times,

and happening.

So in fact, love is a game we play, and the satisfaction we get of winning someone, then gaining their long term affection, is what satisfies us.

In the end, the 'affection' is founded up on a bubble,

just like one that was recently crushed during the recession,

looking bigger than it really is.

I think, until this mentality of mine would mature, change,

this is stopping me from getting a partner.

Not that this itself reveals unattractive traits,

but god's watching and peering down, thinking

it's not yet a suitable time.

B.

I want to start a new blog,

(alongside this one, silly)

listing all the things that I've learnt during my university life,

for a) the benefit of documenting my learning process,

and b) hopefully, anyone who happens to have read my blog could learn from my experiences.

Now that I've gone halfway through my first year,

I realise some of these things could've been avoided had anyone shared their first person accounts of stories, warnings, and not just use some vaguely familiar urban legend purposed as a survival guide. However, it's also a joy to be able to look back and think: at least I'm still alive.

So there, there.

What about this idea then?

B.

Never in my life am I going to allow myself to be in such a state, ever again.

Even something [was going to say, so small, but nope it's not, since it's an exam]

something so short termed, one-time-only,

could reflect the lack of responsibility and discipline in me.

Couldn't believe it,

one simple, primal mistake,

ie: not bringing my exam timetable w/me,

has gotten me to run all over (literally) the place

in search of my exam room,

and running on the verge of late, that's not cool.

Another thing to be improving on, one of the many.

-----

Yet,

sometimes under desperate situations,

where we feel we have the right of access to some things,

why is it that individuals in your path could label your actions as being selfish?

Why?

If only the world was a less complicated place.

I don't know what to make of the future already,

and it's just university life that is ahead of me to be sorted out.

Fucking hell.

Sometimes I wish I could transform into another creature in my moments of escape,

maybe curl up like this cat,

and see the world as a peaceful place once again :]

-B.

What if I am so lonely to the point that I perceive single life...

no life at all,

the way of a deadbeat?

For crying out loud,

I just want to meet someone I'm compatible with

in that dimension.

Why is it so hard?

x

B.

Our first encounter eversince;

of all things, I wanted a relationship with you

it was a bit too far fetched from the beginning

I should've known better than to have dived right in.

But that's what love does,

or 'unstoppable attraction' in this case;

how foolish.

I can't believe that the short duration of what,

a few months,

have left behind remains

- things that make me linger and want to savour

what it felt like, being thought of by you,

or the thought of being taken in by you...

Ironically the closest body contact we've had would be after we've decided to leave each other alone.

Which could very much be the proof that you never saw me that way to begin with.

Still

T'was sweet.

xx

B.

Love&Addiction

It is a cliché, to have mentioned in a post from a while back that life is about experiencing things beyond the bubble of security but I'm about to diss people for exposing their life and health to unnecessary risks?

This was our first few months apart, people from highschool,

and whether we were the best of friends or sworn enemies during school life,

nonetheless, we've watched each other throughout some most drastic 7 years of change, growth, and maturity. And then one day you realise these very people are now potheads, smokers, druggies...

I don't know,

I've always had such a strong (negative) reaction towards anything substance-abusive;

It's ugly for a person's desires to be controlled by a substance,

for a person to get rid of all their will just to gain possession of whatever they're hooked onto,

for a person to... live in a state similar to that of the living dead.

Perhaps because at a young age, my parents have already told me about my weak determination when it comes to temptationsl, in other words, I must get what I want or I'll feel uncomfortable all over, I've told myself that it was necessary that this strong hatred towards the issue prevails onwards, otherwise I won't last very long.

So much that I've even sworn-off Shisha-ing after my first time.

If ever, my new years wishes, besides looking forward to world peace would be for people to stop getting into drugs, especially freshers who've just landed beyond the grasp of the parents;

embrace, but don't abuse the new freedom!

x

B.

I'm 18,

and only at this point do I realise I haven't been seeing the world as it is for very long.

Like baby pandas who are born pink and blind for the first few days,

it actually takes human beings much longer,

not for the retinal muscles to function,

but the whole idea of understanding one's surroundings, situation.

Even still, seeing is not so much as being able to catch on and to act appropriately according to the time and place one is situated in.

Mom always tells me that we're not in that good a condition,

but until I feel the actual pressure,

I could never act the way she wants me to.

Being more in control of my desires is one thing I have to work on;

afterall, you can't have the world.

Grow up, kid.

x

B.

Sometimes,

leaving behind the normal routines in life

is the path to the realisation of the true value that lies within their warp of security, assertion, certainty; things are bound to happen as you know it would, and not turn out to be any other...

I guess this is what I'm doing now.

While I'm still young and capable,

go and experience life till its very limits (if there is one),

live a life less preferable right now so to set a target of achievement for the future...

I guess this is the perspective I'll hold for this new year.

Changing, modifying, and improving POVs are a much more effective method of looking for progress than new years resolutions - having written so many in the past and failing most of them, most of the times, it's time we realise that they're...useless.

so :]

Happy 2010.

B.

Hong Kong, I Love You!

Simply nothing compares to being home.

Ask a Chinaman to show you fireworks and oh, they will show you some of the most amazing ones you've ever seen in your life.

Manchester?

Bah-humbug!

xx